The Demented Version of the Twilight Saga
by XxLove at First BitexX
Summary: Edward gay? Jasper rabid? Emmett and Alice shopping buddies? RANDOMNESS?


Samantha busted through the Cullen's front door.

Her brown curly hair bounced and she sat next to Emmett.

"Sup my awesome non gay vampires…. And Edward." She laughed and Edward huffed.

"Shut up Samantha." He grumbled. She could hear Bella stifling laughter.

"Awwww! Is Eddie-kins suffering from PMS?" She asked, leaning forward pretending to be interested.

"Guy's don't suffer from PMS." He explained.

"Yawn!" She said, knowing a _**Long **_speech was coming about how vampires don't have blood and they can't have kids.

"What's that smell?" Rosalie asked, coming down the stairs, her perfect nose wrinkled.

"Oh! That's me!" Samantha announced proudly.

"Since when do you smell like dog?" Emmett asked.

"I'm part werewolves you dumbasses." She said, rolling her golden eyes.

"You can't be two species! THAT'S GOD-MODING!" Edward yelled standing up.

"What do you mean Eddie? You're the gay vampire who sparkles! So that makes you gay fairy." She announced, smiling proudly.

"I'M NOT GAY!" He yelled, stomped his foot, then walked to his room, shaking his butt.

"Gay!" A random voice spoke.

"RAPE!" Jasper suddenly yelled. Everybody looked at him like he was crazy.

"Chill dudes. It's just my cool friend Ivy." Samantha rolled her golden eyes.

"Sup dudes?" She asked, climbing through the window.

"Uhh. We have a front door." Rosalie said. Ivy's golden eyes narrowed.

She swung her shoulder length hair from her shoulders and she sat next to Samantha.

"BELLA!" Edward called and she rolled her eyes.

"Yes Edward?" She replied.

"HELP ME PICK MY CLOTHES OUT FOR TOMORROW!" He yelled.

She sighed and walked up to his room.

"Who's the gay dude?" A girl with black hair and blue streaks asked.

"Edward. This is Ice guys." Samantha motioned to the pretty girl.

"RAPE!" Jasper yelled again.

"SHUT UP!" Rosalie said and threw a rabid monkey on him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed and ran off.

"My vampire senses are tingling! I'm seeing a sale at Victoria's Secret! EMMET! TO THE BAT CAVE!" Alice shouted.

*Queue Batman music*

"Uhmmm…that wasn't weird at all!" Ivy said, wide-eyed.

"RAPE!" Jasper yelled again.

"WILL YOU SHUT HIM UP!" Samantha yelled, glaring at her family.

Rosalie turned on a flashlight and shined it by Jasper.

"OHH! It's back! WHAT IS THAT!" He asked trying to pick it up.

~**~**~ Hours after the Jasper incident ~**~**~

Emmett and Alice returned with huge bags filled with Bra's, underwear, thongs, and perfume.

"Oh my jizzle!" Edward said in a very gay sounding voice.

"Ermm.." Ice said, scratching her head awkwardly.

"YOU BOUGHT MY MAN THONGS!" He squealed and grabbed the bag, running to his room.

"I heard man thongs. I'm out." Ivy said, shifting into a wolf, and breaking the window she came through.

"Same!" Ice said, magically disappearing.

Everybody suddenly disappeared but Jasper.

*Queue Dramatic Music as spotlight disappears and Jasper show's up in a floor length blue sparkly dress cut to his hip with a microphone*

_At first I was afraid I was petrified  
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side;  
But then I spent so many nights  
Thinkin' how you did me wrong  
And I grew strong  
And so you're back from outer space  
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face  
I should have changed that stupid lock  
I should have made you leave your key  
If I'd've known for just one second you'd back to bother me  
Go on now, go walk out the door  
Just turn around now  
('cause) you're not welcome anymore  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye  
Did I crumble  
Did you think I'd lay down and die?  
Oh no, not.I. I will survive  
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;  
I've got all my life to live,  
I've got all my love to give and I'll survive,  
I will survive. Hey hey.  
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart  
Kept trying' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,  
And I spent oh so many nights  
Just feeling sorry for myself. I used to cry  
But now I hold my head up high_

Suddenly he screamed "RAPE" and the rabid monkey attacked his face.

"Erm. So uh, bye!" Samantha said, and the screen went blank.

**Soooo! How was it?  
Review!**

**The characters in this story were:  
Ivy Scarlett Raveneye (My RP buddy! Luv yah!)**

**And Laffy-Taffy 0401 (Check out HER parody!)**

**Wanna shout out?**

**Pm me with these details:  
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**

**P.S. I'm Samantha!**


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